I'm so sorry

I feel sorry about everything. To everyone.

And proud of nothing. 

I don't think I have ever been proud of much.

Because everything has always been tinged by the underlying knowledge

that if they know

when they know

their pride will die

and will be replaced with

despair and

disgust. 

And here I sit, with proof.

A glowing letter written in ignorance

and a devastated email

written in knowledge.

What am I to conclude?

But to be justified?

In all my years

of internal abuse?

I am a monster.

That is how I feel.

I know different.

But to feel is to trump 

all logic.

I need out, but there is no out but selfishness.

I want in, but there is no in but lies.

What do I do?

But sit here and feel paralyzed.

And hope that the growing pile of work

and the days until the weekend

can distract 

from the truth

                        of present realities.